My Testimony - Catherine

The Salvation Army - Woodroffe Community Church

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
(John 3:16)

Catherine

Self Esteem through God's Care

Catherine -- May 1995

      I would like to share with you the role that God has in my life and what he means to me. I truly believe that God has been with me through everything that has happened in my life. Sometimes I have let God have control over my life – at other times I have rejected what He stands for and what He has asked me to do. Looking back, I have let God down many times but He has never left me.

      Some people think that young children do not remember events in their early years. Maybe because my early childhood was somewhat unusual I do remember events during that time. I did not know then that anything was odd. I thought my family was "normal".

"Many people may be able to identify with the situation I was in for the first four years of my life."

Many people may be able to identify with the situation I was in for the first four years of my life. My biological mother and father were alcoholics. I was the third of four children. I have an older sister, Vickie, an older brother, Jim, and a younger brother, Russell. My dad died of cancer shortly after Jim was born.

      After my father's death our lives deteriorated very quickly. My mother had quite a few male friends in her life – men she usually referred to as our "uncles". I had quite a few "uncles" in those days. I didn't mind them really. Every time the men came to see my mother they gave my siblings and me money and we would run to the candy store. I didn't realize at the time that this was just a ploy by my mother to get rid of us while she was with these men.

      We lived in a very dismal apartment in the Jarvis - Gerrard area of Toronto. Forty years ago, when I lived there, this area was the mainstay for the prostitution trade. We four children lived in the center of this activity.

      My mother's parenting skills, to say the least, were minimal. My sister, who is five years older than myself, took over the role of the parent. Sometimes our mother left us for three or four days at a time. In order to get something to eat the four of us would collect and cash in pop bottles.

      Being the ages we were (the oldest was nine and the youngest was a year and half), we didn't buy potatoes and meat with the money we earned. We would go to that candy store! Our situation was not really any better when our mother was home because she was drinking most of the time. Nowadays we would call children in this situation "abused" – back then people labeled us "street kids" and it was just that way.

"Thankfully, someone did intervene on our behalf and informed the Children's Aid Society of our situation."

      Thankfully, someone did intervene on our behalf and informed the Children's Aid Society of our situation. We became temporary wards of the court. The court gave my mother the opportunity to straighten herself out and have us returned to her. Well, that was not to be. We remained at the orphanage for a year. At five years old I became a permanent ward of the court, which meant I would not be returning to my mother. I vividly remember the day we all appeared before the family court judge who made the pronouncement. Of course, I didn't know what everything meant, but I did realize that that I would not see my mother anymore.

      One of the major hurts of my life is that the court did not place us together in the same foster home when we left the orphanage. My two brothers went to separate foster homes. I have not seen my older brother since the court separated us. I have seen my younger brother about three times. Both of my brothers have had difficult lives. My younger brother lived in numerous foster homes. He has never had any permanence or stability in his life. He is now an alcoholic who lives on the streets of Toronto. I was fortunate to have my older sister came to live with me at the home of a Christian couple living in Toronto.

      Now, I would like you to picture in your mind the little five-year-old girl taken in by this couple. She weighed forty pounds at the most. She had very, very short hair and no teeth. That's right, no teeth. Remember all those trips to the candy store?

      When I lived with my mother I never acquired any hygienic skills such as brushing my teeth or combing my hair. When I was living at the orphanage my baby teeth were all pulled because they were so rotten and my hair cut very short because it was so matted. Art and Betty must have had a lot of compassion in their souls to take this youngster into their hearts and into their home.

"Art and Betty must have had a lot of compassion in their souls to take this youngster into their hearts and into their home."

      Art and Betty raised me for the next fourteen years. When Vickie and I came to live with them their daughter Joyce had already married and started her own family. I just loved being in Art and Betty's home – it was so clean, we had food every day, and I felt so loved and protected.

      My sister, on the other hand, did not settle in at all. Art and Betty were very strict disciplinarians and my sister just could not accept their rules. I was not aware of the severity of the conflicts between my new parents and my sister until I came home from school one day at nine-years-old and they told me that Vickie had left. I couldn't believe it! I can remember crying in my room for a long time after – I blamed myself for her leaving – maybe I had been a bad girl and this was my punishment.

Art and Betty. Foster parents.

      It has taken me a long time to realize I had no control over this event. I would not hear from my sister until five years later when she telephoned to tell me that she had married and had a little boy of her own.

      Unlike my sister, I was able to settle into life with the Art and Betty. The next few years were very special to me. Art and Betty belonged to the Salvation Army and I attended services with them. I will always be grateful I for the gift of parents who provided me with a good Christian upbringing. I became very active in my Corps – first going to Sunday school then on to attending a teen bible study group. During my teen years the Salvation Army was my life. I later joined the Songsters and became a Sunday school teacher.

      Another unsettling event took place when I was eighteen and in my final year of high school. I had given a short sermonette entitled "What The World Needs Now Is Love" at one of the Corps Cadet Sundays. My Corps Cadet Counselor sent a copy of the sermonette along with my picture into a Salvation Army teen magazine called Crest. The magazine published my article and picture and somehow my mother saw it. Thinking the girl in the picture could be me she telephoned each Salvation Army Corps in Toronto until someone gave her my telephone number. She then telephoned and asked if she could see me.

      I hardly knew what to say to this woman on the phone. I called my social worker and at my request she made arrangements for my mother and I to meet under close supervision at the Children's Aid Society building. This meeting drastically changed my life. As the only one of her children to graduate from high school, my mother considered it my duty to come home and take care of her.

      It was a good thing I had God on my side and in my heart, otherwise I don't know what I may have said or done. I remember feeling great anger at this woman and her audacity. She never expressed any appreciation for the good job Art and Betty had done in raising me – just that it was now my duty to come home.

      I left the building after seeing my mother with many things unsaid and unresolved. I was not ready to deal with this situation. I was at a stage of my life where I had begun making plans for my future. At my Social Worker's request the family court judge had extended my wardship for three years. The extension would allow the Children's Aid Society to assist me with any post-secondary education I might wish to pursue. I had also thought that God was leading me towards attending the Salvation Army Training College and       I could not get over the anger I felt after meeting with my mother. Shortly after, I threw away the chance of attending University and left the Underwood home. I became very rebellious. This was the one time in my life that I rejected God and did not listen to what He was saying to me.

      There is no telling what direction I might have taken then if God was not looking after me. Just when I needed him, God sent the man, Jim, who was later to become my husband. Jim was supportive and a stabilizing factor in my life. Raised in a strict Presbyterian home, he was, and is a fine Christian man.

      Jim and I married when I was twenty. We had two children, Melissa and Ian. Melissa and her husband, Rob, have recently become proud parents of a beautiful little girl, Emily, making me a very proud "Nana". Melissa and Rob are expecting their second child in July. Ian is currently attending Grade 12.

Picture in the "Crest" - 1968

      Despite the neglect I suffered in my early childhood, my maternal instincts are strong. I have tried to be the best parent I can and have always wanted my children to feel secure and loved.

      For the first few years after Jim and I married we didn't attend church. I felt that something or someone was missing from our lives. Following much discussion after the children were born we decided to become once again active in a church and began attending the Salvation Army.

      At this time I went through a period of about eight months when I could not face what was happening in my life. Even though Jim and I had returned to church, and I was listening to the sermons, it really didn't seem to matter very much. I felt my life was not worth living. My self-esteem was non-existent. I felt worthless.

      I was suffering from depression and I didn't know whether or not I would survive. I could not sleep and I hardly ate. Ian was only six-months-old and Melissa was seven when I was at my worst. I managed to get through my days at the office but when I came home I would go into my room, close the door, and not come out again until morning. I felt my whole life meant nothing and I did not care about anyone or myself.

      I really don't know how my family survived this time. I truly believe that God was working in Jim's life to give him the patience, strength and love he needed to deal with me.

"I truly believe that God was working in Jim's life to give him the patience, strength and love he needed to deal with me."

      The situation finally got to the point where Jim insisted I see our family doctor. The doctor prescribed medication but I was afraid to take it. I didn't want to become addicted to the medication or have to rely on it to survive. Circumstances came to the point where I felt I had no choice.

      The night I finally took one of the pills I became totally disoriented. I vaguely remember Ian crying and I went to him. I remember picking him up – then I went blank. The next morning Jim told me he had found me wandering in the hall with Ian in my arms.

      Well, that was the turning point. When I realized my behaviour could have hurt my baby son I knew that I could not get better by myself. I did something I should have done months before – I turned to God and prayed to him to take control over my life. I poured out all my feelings to Him and a peace came over me that I could not believe. I knew then that everything would be all right.

      I really believed in God and felt that I belonged to Him during all of those teen years when I was active in the Salvation Army. But I had never trusted enough to listen to what God was saying to me. I think that I was only giving lip service to God because I enjoyed the       I have put my life into God's hands since that night when I turned to Him in desperation. I know that I can always count on him.

      Jesus said in Matthew 28:20: "And surely I will be with you, to the very end of the age." He also said in Luke 12:7: "Indeed the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows." When I read that verse I know I am special to God and with His help and guidance I can use whatever talents He has given me.

nbsp;     Our family relocated to Brockville shortly after I put my life God's hands. He was very good to us there, leading us to good Christian friends, fellowship and counseling when we needed it. We once again became active in the Salvation Army. At that time, with God in our lives, we became a true Christian family.

      We moved to Ottawa after spending three years in Brockville. Again God provided for us, giving us a church home at the Woodroffe Community Church Corps. We were able to make new friends at the Woodroffe Corps who have been there to support and encourage us.

"As I look back over my life I believe that God was preparing me for things to come."

      As I look back over my life I believe that God was preparing me for things to come. I can now relate to situations that other people have to endure. Because of my experiences, I truly understand that sometimes people get themselves into situations that they cannot handle. As I have grown as Christian, God has given me the talent of a listening ear for a friend or family member in need of my help or a confidant. Hopefully, God will always give me the words that will be of assistance to others when they need them.

      Presently, I often experience indications that God has not left me. I thank Him for His help in the little events in my daily life and in making major decisions.

      I believe one reason I suffered a serious depression is that I was a compulsive worrier. Even when things were going well for me I worried about what could happen. I always felt I had to be perfect in every aspect of my life. Due to having been a foster child I always felt that I wasn't good enough. I am still a worrier but God has put His helping hand over me in this area of my life.

      My current position as an Administrative Secretary for the Ministry of the Solicitor General and Correctional Services in the Probation/Parole division at the Ottawa Courthouse is ideally suited for me. I often come in contact with people who have similar family backgrounds to my own. Some have chosen a life of crime. Thanks to God's guidance I was able to escape that fate. In my own small way I believe I am assisting these people. I have become a more compassionate and caring person because of my experiences.

      With God's help, I am also working on my self-esteem. In His Word He says we are special to Him. Now I believe it. God has given all of us talents. Every day he shows me I have mine – it is just a matter of doing the things He asks of me. God has given me the courage to share this story with people. It has not been easy but I truly believe that if Gods leads you to action He will be there to lend a helping hand. I believe He was leading me in preparation to tell this story.

      God has led me to a Church home where my friendships with other Christians have been of great assistance.

      As for my future, God has a plan for my life. I recently set an important goal after reading the following verse from Colossians 3:13: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against each other. Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you." As I read this verse it became clear to me that I had to rid myself of all the anger towards my biological mother that has consumed me all these years. I believe God is asking me to forgive my mother and that is not an easy thing for me to do. I have prayed to God about this many times.

      With God at my side, I think I could now handle a confrontation with my mother much better than I did at the age of eighteen. I would like to talk to her about the feelings I have had for her all these years. I would also like to hear her side of the story. I want her to know that I no longer blame her. I would like to share my love of God with her.

      I would also like to try to get all of my brothers and sister together – all seven of us. That's right – seven of us! After we left my mother's care she remarried and had three more children. These three remained with my mother until adulthood. I understand from sources I have contacted that the rest of my brothers and sisters have not managed as well as I. Getting us all together seems quite a massive undertaking, but with God's help and my husband's support, perhaps I can make it a reality.

      I was first asked to tell this story at a Women's Ministry Group on April 28, 1987. I have partially fulfilled my goal of finding and meeting my family members since then.

"...I received the news that my mother had passed away. My immediate reaction was one of great sadness."

      On June 12, 1987, I received the news that my mother had passed away. My immediate reaction was one of great sadness. Over the next two days I went through a whole gambit of emotions. I felt anger because I did not get the opportunity to speak with my mother before she died. I felt great sadness because of my frustration at the situation. I also felt relief that I would not be carrying around my guilt anymore.

      I had not yet sought out my mother, mostly in respect of my daughter's wishes. Melissa and I have had many discussions regarding her natural grandmother. Melissa feared what would happen to us as a family if I located my mother. I promised her I would not seek out my mother's whereabouts unless she felt comfortable with the situation. Well, now the opportunity was out of my hands.

      Even though I had lost the opportunity to spend time with my mother, I would now have the opportunity to meet my brother and sisters. My older sister called to inform me that all seven of my brothers and sisters would attend my mother's funeral. It seemed my goal of meeting my family members was to become a reality after all.

      That night Jim and I traveled to Toronto so that we could attend the funeral the following day. My emotions were very high. I wondered how I was going to make it through the day. I would need to rely very heavily on my faith in God.

      When I got to the funeral home my legs seemed like jelly. I felt I would not be able to enter the front door. However, if I was to make this meeting with my family members a reality, I would have to force myself to enter.
      I was thrilled to meet all my family members – from my brothers and sisters to my aunts and uncles. It was a very difficult day in a lot of respects. All seven brothers and sisters spent time in a room off the Chapel area getting to know each other. I had the chance of saying a proper goodbye to my mother and complete my cycle of feelings surrounding her. For that I will always be grateful.

      I spent some time with my mother's brother and he answered any questions I had in a frank and honest manner. I am very grateful for his honesty. I feel that God placed this man in my life so that he could help me just when I needed him. He did not want me to feel any guilt about the way I was raised and being the type of woman I am. He said that

Jim and Catherine 1997 Woodroffe Community Church

my other family members have chosen the way they conduct their lives. He complimented my foster parents in the fine job they had done in raising me and the opportunities they had given me out of their love. I was deeply touched because this was the first time anyone in my biological family had given Art and Betty the credit they deserve.

      When I returned home I took a couple of days to resolve my feelings. I felt good that I had attended the funeral and knew it was the right decision. Some of the sadness surrounding my mother's death began to dissipate.

      The following week I telephoned my foster parents and told them what my Uncle had said. I expressed my feelings of love and gratitude for what they have done for me over the years. I am certainly aware of how great a part these people have played in my life.Because of them I was able to become the woman I am today.

      I realize that I have had quite a few major hurts in my life as I finish writing this. I also have had major joys: the love and support of my foster family, the unfailing love and support of my husband, my children, my beautiful granddaughter Emily, and the love of my Saviour – without whom my life would have no meaning.

      I would like to share a story with which some of you may be familiar. This story, "Footprints", sums up what I have been trying to say about my relationship with God.

      I know that God will always be with me – and when I need Him to – He will carry me.

God bless.

Catherine

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